*The following is was my English 101 final from a few years back which was an expository how-to essay, which took about 45 minutes to write up. It should also be noted that one of the comments my professor wrote on the paper was “ROFL,” which is painful modern irony at it’s finest.*
The lights go out. The crowd roars with tense anticipation. The first chord is struck. It rings clear at a dangerously high decibel level.
A good rock concert is a thing of beauty, but through my travels to shows, from Seattle to Chicago and almost everywhere in between, I’ve noticed a growing problem. People do not know how to “properly” attend a rock concert. It is an incredibly depressing revelation.
But fear not (!), for I am fully prepared to lay down guidelines that will allow you and your fellow concert goers to make the most of every concert you attend.
The first thing that comes to many minds when they think of a rock concert is the mosh pit. Many critics claim that it is violent and unnecessary, but in reality, when done right, it is no more dangerous than its forefather – pogoing. (For the unfamiliar, pogoing was basically just jumping done be fans at early punk shows. It eventually progressed into jumping into each other and then became moshing.) The first rule of the mosh pit is that it isn’t a fight. If one is looking for a place to beat people up, go elsewhere. The mosh pit is intended to be more like human bumper cars. People release energy by bounding off one another. If someone falls down, the pit stops until the person is on their feet again. No one wants to get hurt. It’s a concert for goodness sake – it’s about fun.
An unfortunate trend in modern moshing is the loss of the circle pit. Somewhere along the line (I believe during the mainstream’s transition from pop punk to emo), concert-goers forgot how to execute a circle pit. Since it seems to be a lost art, let me explain the basics.
A band will call for a circle pit. After this, the people in the mosh pit should start to run around the edge of the pit in a counter-clockwise formation. (Never clockwise, that would be too conformist and upset the rock gods). Doing this may sound as stupid as the rationale a hamster has for running on a wheel, but believe me, it can be an absolute blast.
While on the subject of fans making contact with one another, let me confront the issue of standing space at general admission shows. Inevitably as the show progresses people become more and more cramped together. There is no such thing as a “personal bubble” at a rock show, so don’t act like there is. (I’m looking at you fat bitch Cure fan who was on the rail at Sasquatch! 2008 while I was watching Death Cab.) Nothing is quite as frustrating as someone whacking you on the head or jabing the point of their elbow into your ribs for being in “their” space. Don’t be that person.
On a similar note, there is an unavoidable swaying at shows caused by one side of the crowd pushing to the middle and (inevitably) the other side pushing back. It is truly moronic, especially when it is done because security guards are pouring water to the people closest to the stage. (I detest this practice, but it’s such a deep hatred that I could write another whole paper on it.) The thing to do when the push comes to shove, literally, is to just go with it. Don’t push back, just let your body go where it will. This not only helps avoid trivial confrontation, but it saves a lot of energy on your part.
Back in the day, when a slow song or ballad would start playing, people would get out their lighters and sway them back and fourth; flames lightening up the venue. Unfortunately, people don’t carry lighters nearly as much anymore, leading to another horrific trend. Open cell phones have replaced the lighter for said situation. Few things in entertainment bug me as much as swaying cell phones during a rock ballad. If you’re not going to bring a lighter, just listen to the damn music, don’t contribute to this technological nightmare.
Here are a few more instructions for the prospective concert-goer…
Don’t take your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are going to become the annoying couple who are in a hug the entire time and get irradiated every time someone bumps you.
Don’t boo a band without a good reason. Good reasons include the band being to drunk to play well, cutting sets short, and unwarranted abusive language directed toward the crowd, just to name a few.
Don’t crowd surf more than three times. I think it’s a fair and realistic cap. Personally, I’d outlaw the act if I could because it is dangerous and causes people to take their focus away from the music because they must deal with some idiot who is on their head or is kicking them in the face.
Also, don’t yell stupid comments towards the band. Don’t yell out how awesome a former band of that one of the members was in and, more importantly, don’t chant for an encore. Everyone who headlines does encores (and conversely everyone who opens does not), no need to yell. It’s like cheering for the sun to rise; it’s going to happen.
These are just a few instructions on how to make the most of every rock concert. So follow them, enjoy the music, and keep on rockin’ in the free world.
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